Coaching Letter #206
On expressing gratitude
Hello, how are you? I hope this finds you well. I am writing this the week of Thanksgiving, so this is yet another take on an annual theme—that while Thanksgiving is a lovely opportunity to spend time with family and friends and to reflect on our own good fortune, there is also a science to gratitude, and it is a big part of our personal well-being.
Personally, I have a lot to be thankful for. I made a list the first time I wrote about Thanksgiving in the Coaching Letter, and everything I wrote continues to be true—unsurprisingly.
Since then, I have learned a lot about gratitude—a lot of that learning happened because, during the pandemic, I did a lot of reading and research about emotional well-being, to support educators in many different roles who were very stressed and very anxious, and gratitude showed up as a consistent finding contributing to our mental health. Being grateful, for large and small things, confers lasting benefits.
This year I want to emphasize that the science of gratitude also has a lot to say about the benefits of expressing gratitude—in other words, saying thank you. Below is the ChatGPT summary of my notes, and you can email me if you want the full references, but the point I want to write about here is the last point about writing notes, as this is something that I know a fair bit about.
When it comes to note-writing, I know that people worry about saying the wrong thing, about not finding the right words, about sounding silly or goofy or soppy, or about over-stepping some kind of social boundary. To all that I say: horsefeathers. We all love getting those notes, which means that someone had to get over whatever little worries they had about whether to write it or not. No reason why that someone couldn’t be you. So here is some advice on how to do that:
If the recipient is someone you know, even if you never see that person outside of work, a card is always going to mean more than an email, even if the email is the sweetest, most heartfelt email ever.
Have a stash of blank notecards easy to hand. I spend time in stationery stores and gift shops looking for cool cards, but you can also get pretty cards online. Google “blank notecards” and ads for lovely notecards will follow you across all your social media feeds.
Don’t make it a chore. Don’t make a huge list of people you think you should write cards to which then becomes just another dead weight on your to do list. I keep cards on my kitchen table and write them when I’m waiting for the kettle to boil for tea.
And occasionally, I set aside time to compose special notes for people who are special to me.
I almost always buy blank notecards—even if it’s for a birthday. I want people to know that what I write is specific and not generic.
I also buy cards for specific people, but not for particular occasions, and I bide my time. Because those cards live in my stationery stash, I always know where to find them.
I buy postcards in art museums and gift shops. I try to send one to my son in Florida every week. I also call and text him, but I think there is something different about getting a card in the mail.
Keep 1st class stamps and postcard stamps in your stationery stash.
Keep extra envelopes in your stationery stash. If you spent a lot of time writing a card you may feel like the effect is spoiled if you mess up the address and don’t have a spare envelope. Or you may not care, because I doubt your recipient will notice or care.
What you write matters less than the fact that you wrote it. Sometimes I write really long and heartfelt messages, and sometimes I write something along the lines of “Just want you to know that you rock!”, and no one has ever complained that the message on the card was too short.
Don’t be afraid to write notes to complete strangers. I write emails to people who have written books I admire, and sometimes I never hear anything back, and sometimes I get a lovely, grateful reply, and very occasionally that email turns into a lasting relationship.
Never write anything that is negative, but also never write anything that’s not true.
Don’t write anything intended as a joke if you are not 100% sure how it will land.
Take pictures of what you write. I know this sounds dorky, but if you get a message back from someone saying that they were so touched by what you said about them, you probably want to know what you said.
And just to repeat, senders often don’t send texts, emails or cards because they feel awkward about it and they under-estimate the significance the message will have for the recipient. Don’t make that mistake. Write the card. Thanksgiving is a great time to start.
This Thanksgiving morning I will again be at the Covenant Food Kitchen in Willimantic where my good friend Tosh works. Maybe see you there? Also happy to get calls or texts on Thanksgiving, if you are so moved. In any case, I hope you have a warm, delicious, and grateful Thanksgiving. With love and gratitude, Isobel
Research on the benefits of writing thank-you notes highlights several positive outcomes for both the sender and the recipient. Here are some key findings:
1. Improves Well-Being for the Sender
Gratitude Expression and Positive Emotions: Writing thank-you notes can boost the sender's mood and increase feelings of happiness. Studies show that gratitude practices, such as writing notes, enhance life satisfaction and emotional well-being (Seligman et al., 2005).
Decreased Stress: Expressing gratitude can reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety by promoting a focus on positive experiences (Wood et al., 2008).
2. Strengthens Relationships
Social Connection: Gratitude notes foster stronger bonds by acknowledging and valuing others' actions, making recipients feel appreciated (Algoe, 2012).
Enhanced Perceptions: Recipients often view note-writers as thoughtful, considerate, and likable, which reinforces social ties (Kumar & Epley, 2018).
3. Encourages a Positive Feedback Loop
Increased Gratitude Awareness: Regularly writing thank-you notes encourages individuals to notice and appreciate positive aspects of their lives, which can promote a broader culture of gratitude (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).
Contagious Gratitude: Recipients of gratitude may feel inspired to express gratitude themselves, creating a ripple effect in their communities.
4. Perceived Value and Sincerity
Underrated Impact: Research suggests people underestimate how much recipients value thank-you notes. A study by Kumar and Epley (2018) found that senders often worry about appearing awkward, but recipients overwhelmingly appreciate the gesture and find it meaningful.